Review: Empire of the Vampire

3 stars. Hmmmmmmm.

First of all - wow, I'm surprised this book hasn't gone totally viral on TikTok, because it is a MOOD, a VIBE, and an AESTHETIC all rolled into one. This is going to sound like a very weird observation, but I think this story would've been better as ....... a video game. The quest/D&D vibes, the visuals, the delightful side characters all sort of give off a game flavor, or something. It's also incredibly long, and it requires an active eye and an active brain because there are many details in this world that for whatever reason would not stick for me. Certain names, for example, and aspects of the conflict (the bloodlines, the various rulers, etc.). The sheer amount of scrolling back I did was unprecedented. But I stuck with it. I couldn't resist.

And yet... sigh. It was okay. A couple of things just weren't to my preference, like the non-chronological narrative. I prefer, like the protagonist's captor, for stories to be told in order. And a lot of the exposition was only thinly veiled by the aforementioned captor's requests that our narrator "explain things to him as though talking to a child." AKA, for the reader. Real subtle, there. I also tend to be a bit quick to reject stories that involve, like, the one true epic love (unless I'm reading romance, of course). This bothered me in The Name of the Wind, which is a clear and blatant influence on Empire of the Vampire.

Speaking of influences: there's so much. From Stephen King (if a character hovers at a window and says "let me in," my brain is going straight to 'Salem's Lot) to LOTR (SO MUCH LOTR... the ringbearer-I-mean-Dior should decide, the "no man can kill me" thing, references to riddle games, so much more) to HP (nice to visit the forbidden section of a library again) to the Witcher books to ASOIAF to True Blood to The Da Vinci Code to even like...the Southern Reach Trilogy and The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco (plus the more overt ones like Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles), I could detect references and borrowed elements around every corner. It's kind of fun, actually. This book knows its ancestors and pays tribute accordingly, if not a little obviously.

I will say: it took an incredibly talented, smart, dedicated, rock star of a writer to craft this story. Next to other high fantasies, the worldbuilding is there. The tropes are there, applied adorably and with delight. But where the writing is very beautiful and the the themes compelling, there's something a little ... immature about this book. One reviewer stated that the characters seem like "caricatures designed for specific fandoms," and I could not agree more. Listen, Mr. Kristoff is a very famous, successful author with a passionate following, and I wouldn't blame if he... used what he's figured out works, if that makes sense.

I've heard other reviewers call this book out for male posturing, or criticize the swearing/bawdy humor. Maybe that's part of what I felt was immature, although typically I don't find that sort of thing offensive or bothersome (although a couple of the period jokes made me pause). I would also say that perhaps there are some pacing issues. Perhaps with plotting, as well. Again, the flashback-flashforward storytelling device is NOT my favorite, but in this case I think I can objectively say it weakened the flow a bit.

I don't know if I'll read the next one. To be honest, I spent a lot of this book miserable alongside the characters. There are victories, to be sure, and warm moments, I suppose, but the story in this book primarily involves loss - or the anticipation of loss. The dread of loss. Loss of innocence, faith, love, loved ones. Things going wrong, over and over and over again. I don't know if I'd want to put myself through that again. Oh, and trigger warning: animal death. I'd dock a star for that regardless.

I have the utmost respect for Jay Kristoff and his success is well-deserved. He's such a talented writer and I love that people love this book. I'm just not one of them, today.

The illustrations get 5 stars.

Empire of the Vampire on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads

Review: The Turnout

3 stars. My least favorite Megan Abbott, but mediocre Mabbott is still 80% better than a lot of the books I read. I think fans of Sarah Waters, and maybe Lauren Groff, would love this one. It's chewy and yummy in all the ways you'd expect - plus there's that special bitter Megan crunch. I love the way she writes women, and girls in high-pressure situations. She's really brave and ruthless when it comes to that sort of thing.

The Turnout features what, after reading her deep dives into gymnastics and cheerleading, Abbott's highly anticipated (by me) exploration of ballet - the cutthroat, obsessive way ballet dancers strive for perfection and the brutal journey they take to get there. Dara and her husband Charlie own a successful studio along with Dara's flighty twin sister Marie, but everything is thrown off balance when they need to hire a contractor for renovations. Not to sound too bleak about it, but his entrance causes confusion, chaos and tragedy to bleed from their personal lives into their professional world, all against the backdrop of rehearsals for the ultimate ballet performance: The Nutcracker.

Here's what I really, really liked: the idea of ballet as a dark fairy tale. Also, the theme of appearance vs reality - how something beautiful can be rotten, or painful underneath. The cost of magic, is maybe one way I'd put it. The somewhat realistic depictions of dancer's lives and careers... and the twisting of The Nutcracker's plot into something delightfully dark and sinister and adult. And the way she writes about lust and desire - specifically female lust and desire - and the often impossible battle between what your head wants and what your body wants.

Onto the meh: all of Megan Abbott's books feature implausible premises, but this one went a little too far in a direction that left me less than thrilled. I'm super happy she leaned into the sex of it all, and I'd love to see more of that from her, but some of the writing was noticeably melodramatic for me and ... I don't know, this one just didn't hit very hard. I wasn't particularly surprised by any of the twists, though I loved the ending.

But honestly, pay no attention to the 3 stars. Give this one a go, it's an incredible thriller and Megan Abbott is still an absolute favorite.

The Turnout on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads

Review: Matrix

4 stars. Wow. What a gorgeous, breathtaking, handsome novel. Matrix is short but packs a huge, hefty punch. I thought Fates and Furies was just okay, although I noted in my review that I looked - still look - forward to seeing how it'll be studied for years to come. I liked this one much more. Lauren Groff braids three things - her incredible mastery of language, detail-rich research and an ability to articulate the squeezing, painful reality of being female - into one captivating strand of a story. She has written something akin to the Wolf Hall trilogy, but with no men; a sophisticated, emotional, accessible form of historical fiction that will enthrall and inspire readers... mothers and daughters and sisters especially. Again, no men. There isn't room for men in this story. It is full and rich and clean enough already without a dick spoiling the pot.

Matrix tells the story of Marie de France, unwanted child of royalty in the 12th century - as ungainly and awkward as she is intelligent and fierce. Sent by Queen Eleanor of Acquitane from France to an abbey in England, Marie must accept her new home, impoverished and uncomfortable as it is, and as acceptance takes hold, so too does ambition, and hunger, and interest, and a desire to improve not only her situation but the situation of those around her. As prioress she transforms the abbey not only into a powerful, groundbreaking institution but also a home for herself and others lost - a safe haven for women who otherwise would have no agency in a society designed to suppress them. Following her visions and desires, Marie finds love and success and above all a sense of identity and purpose rarely allowed for or wielded by women in history.

I found this to be a deeply moving, elegant story. Groff's research only elevated it, in my opinion - there's no showing off here, no distractions; only a graceful weaving of details that made things more interesting. Marie's character arc was masterfully done and believable, as were the arcs of her sisters. On a personal note, I could not be less religious, but I've found myself really attracted to convent life on more than one occasion (the routine, the simplicity, the hard work, the discipline, the common purpose) and this did nothing to dissuade me. That type of life, when chosen by the right person (emphasis on chosen) seems beautiful. I am of course looking at it through a distinctly modern lens... actually, let's avoid relativism for now. I'll argue with myself later.

A surprising page turner, considering its length. I highly recommend it. You know, being a woman... well, alive today, is desperately shitty. This book didn't make it any less shitty. But it added colors and layers to my lifelong quest to figure out what it means and how to live with it and how to manage the unbearable. Beyond worthwhile, for me.

Matrix on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads

Review: My Heart Is a Chainsaw

5 stars. Every time I finish a SGJ book I gasp. Then I cackle loudly in utter delight like an evil villain. His are the books that leave me unquestionably, thoroughly, deeply (and disturbingly?) satisfied. He's so, so, so, so, smart when it comes to writing these dark, heartfelt tributes to the horror genre and this one has to be up there in terms of my personal favorites. Jade has a fantastic voice and I really felt - and rooted - for her, in all her fierce and colorful glory. There's something so beautiful and emotional and touching about this story, something I recognize now as distinctly SGJ. It surprised me in The Only Good Indians, but I dove in ready here. Fucking legendary, mate.

My Heart is a Chainsaw... well, let's see. It's about a girl named Jade, failed and forgotten and feisty and a huge fan of horror. Slashers, specifically. They give her comfort and offer an escape from her small town life of poverty, betrayal and hardship. She's lonely, with only Michael and Jason and Freddy to keep her company. She uses the narratives and tropes she knows and loves so well to frame her own world and narrate her life, much to the amusement and judgment of her teachers, family and local law enforcement. She's seen an outcast. A loner. A weirdo.

But then something starts happening in her town. Suspicious deaths. Blood in the water. And Jade starts to sense that her love of slashers, her knowledge of the rules and the twists and turns, have landed her in a uniquely suited position to actually deal with one that is actually happening in front of her. All the ingredients have landed: the final girl, the red herrings, the blood sacrifice - now it's up to Jade to nudge things along. And nudge she does, till we hit one of the most electrifying, gruesome, heart wrenching third acts I've ever read.

SGJ understands why the father and son dinner table scene is so crucial in Jaws. My Heart is a Chainsaw is an incredibly graphic slasher, with terrible monsters and even worse humans. And there's as much deep emotional agony as there is gore. It's a scary book, but at its center there's a pulsing human heart, an unapologetically fierce Final Girl (whether she wants the label or not) who desires connection and acceptance. Under all the creative kills, the bloody backstories, and the twists and turns, Jade makes us care, and care strongly.

Even the more superficial elements are not to be ignored. SGJ absolutely saturates this novel with slasher film references, which was super, super fun for me. I've spoken before about how I'm not just someone who enjoys consuming horror; I also like reading/learning about horror, so this kind of felt like the perfect marriage between... I don't know, Stephen King and the In Search of Darkness movies on Shudder. This is my language, okay?! But he also takes a lot of the tropes and makes them sort of gorgeous and surprising again, meaning this work of metafiction is not just clever but also rich and vivid and infused with warmth. THAT ENDING.

Alright, I'm off to daydream about canoes and black cloaks in bathroom stalls and machetes. As one does.

My Heart is a Chainsaw on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads

Review: Dark Histories: Season Two

5 stars. Absolutely wonderful, and right up my alley. I feel like Ben really hit his stride in Season 2, especially with the Murder of Julia Wallace... the writing goes from great to truly excellent. And it only gets better from there. He manages to thread really interesting details into the larger narratives without getting bogged down with context. It's fantastic.

In my review of the first book I described these stories as "palette cleansers," and I feel like I should clarify that I mean them to be used that way only for those interested in, well, dark stories from history. A few of these are really, really dark and therefore really captivating, to me. My favorites were Emilie Sagee, the Nelly Butler Haunting, the Spider Man of Denver (seriously GROSS), and Room 1046, which is one of those unsolved mysteries that is so truly frustrating to me (similar to Dyatlov Pass) that if I were to invent a time machine the first place I'd visit is that locked room.

I recommend, for the perfect reading experience: a cozy armchair, a thick blanket, a crackling wood fire, perhaps some light rain or snow, and a cup of cinnamon apple spice tea with a shot of rum.

Dark Histories, Season Two on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads

Review: The Book of Accidents

5 stars. RIGHT. I've never written a review this drunk before, for various reasons. But for other various reasons, I had to delay writing this one a bit and want to make sure I get some things down before the book fades away into the void (no not like that void, just like... the void). OMFG so, I loved this book. I kind of hated big time on Wanderers for being compared to Stephen King when I just didn't feel it, and I'm pretty sure Chuck Wendig read that and got annoyed and then promptly sat down and wrote The Book of Accidents just to personally prove me wrong. WELL, IT WORKED. This read and sounded and felt like a Stephen King book.

Okay so The Book of Accidents: when his abusive father dies, Nate Graves is determined to cut any lingering connection with the man and move on with his life. But when he finds out his father left him his house - essentially for free - Nate and his wife Maddie decide it might be a nice change for them to move there with their son Oliver, who is especially sensitive to other people's pain. And then, well, some weird shit happens. Maddie, a talented artist, starts to feel something off about her process. Nate starts seeing things and wonders if the land is haunted. And Oliver attempts to navigate a new school and new friends - including one who can apparently summon things out of mid-air.

Turns out the Graves family moved right across from a "thin" place called Ramble Rocks, and to go into too much additional detail might get spoiler-y so I'll abstain. BUT JUST KNOW that it's deliciously scary, fun and wacky. I love Chuck Wendig because he's able to write some really emotional, moving, disturbing stuff but he can also whip out the wacky to make everyone feel better. Oh, is this scene really gross and weird and sad? Here he is, Wacky Wendig, showing up between the pages to drop a line or two that's hilarious and grounding and takes the sting out of things!

Speaking of taking the sting out of things... well, there is some serious deep-ass WISDOM up in this book. Who knew (well, actually, I think a lot of people knew) that Wacky Wending is also sometimes Wise Wendig, dropping helpful smartbombs about humanity - and, what struck most true for me - about parenting in a world that looks like what it does right now. He doesn't shy away from scary monster shit, but also scary real world shit, which I really appreciated and found oddly comforting in 2021. Things like climate change, school shootings, the threat against democracy, the failures of America, etc. are all acknowledged. Refreshing that this stuff appears to have informed his work which therefore informed me that I am not insane and yes, the world is shit and we are all processing this together.

I really, really, really, really, really, really liked the short chapters.

What other ramblings can my inebriated brain come up with? Oh, well, there's this interlude in a haunted mine and there's a leg thing and it blew my mind, but for the most part, this book is more creepy than downright scary. I liked it that way. The tone felt well-suited to the story and made the whole thing really damn fun. I highly recommend this: a classic sort of horror/dark fantasy with King vibes (and maybe Spielburg vibes?). Read it. Lol, good night.

The Book of Accidents on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads

Review: Something Wicked This Way Comes

5 stars. Wow. This one moved me to tears. It's so strange... I didn't even really enjoy most of this reading experience. I stopped halfway through to read two other books, because I was bored and confused and needed a break from the purple prose. But somewhere in the second half, I got hooked - or maybe things clicked - and boom, suddenly I was crying. The ending hit me right in the fucking heart, or the gut, or the feels, or something. I just really wasn't expecting that.

Something Wicked This Way Comes should attract readers of all ages and preferences. I feel like my eyes have been opened... I see its influence everywhere from Stephen King to Erin Morgenstern to Clive Barker to Neil Gaiman to Cornelia Funke. It's about the arrival of a carnival at Green Town, Illinois, and how two young boys' discover something dark and sinister under the bright lights and the colorful canopies. It's also about being young and being old and corruption and friendship and fathers and sons and determination and heroism and laughter and free will and... temptation.

It's incredibly beautiful. I don't think I've encountered such gorgeous and unexpected prose since I read Lolita. The imagery is as haunting as it is whimsical and lush. It took some getting used to, but I'll miss those words floating around in my head painting vivid songs. I have associative synesthesia, and this writing might be the closest thing I could find that captures the way my brain concepts concepts and sounds and feelings with certain colors. The words have shapes and edges and corners. Reading this was like dancing inside of an orchestra made of many colors during a thunderstorm.

Originally published in 1962, this book does feature some out-of-date allegories, references and metaphors. And there's a thinly veiled thread of nostalgia running in between the lines, suggesting support for the imagined idea that America was a perfect dreamscape utopia in the 1950s (spoiler alert: it wasn't that). I've also read some fascinating reviews about how this book doesn't hold up at all, especially from an adult perspective. But that's partly why it made me so emotional, I think: like Stephen King's It, it strikes me as a story about the tragedy that is growing up, and I appreciate books that double down on that theme and then give it a solid kick in the teeth for fun.

I would've liked to have read this in college, for a class. I would've liked to have read this at age 13, when the battle between good and evil would've seemed brilliantly intense, and important. But here we are, age 30, disillusioned and cynical and skeptical and yet- and yet- or maybe because all of that- moved to tears by the written sound of laughter and Charles' parting thought that running with the boys, even if it killed him, would be worth it. Ohmygod I'm crying again. Thrilling, this one.

Something Wicked This Way Comes on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads

Review: Dark Histories: Season One

5 stars. Recommended for fans of:

• The podcast, obviously

• Unsolved mysteries in general, and also Unsolved Mysteries the TV show (I prefer Robert Stack over Netflix)

• Wikipedia

• Folklore

• True crime

• All things creepy and/or disturbing

This was the perfect palette cleanser in-between chapters of other books and episodes of things; perfect to pick up for a brief 10-minute break during the day. Probably not for those interested in reading dry, thorough academia... this is lighter and less detail-ridden, and has more of an around-the-campfire tone. As a fan of the podcast, I could practically hear Ben's voice in my head! His tone is unmistakable.

Season One covers classics such as Jack the Ripper and the Somerton Man, lesser-known mysteries like the Plimco Poisoning, and even a creepy contemporary case about the strange death of Joshua Maddux. My personal favorite is the episode about Dorothy Eady/Omm Sety, but the one about Terri Hoffman is absolutely wild.

I really enjoyed revisiting these mysteries in book form. Well done to Ben for his accomplishments in both formats!

Dark Histories: Season One on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads

Review: The Trespasser

5 stars. She's done it again. These books are everything: well-written, entertaining, witty, intense... full of deep warmth and true ugliness. It's officially a desert island series for me. The characters are so lovable (or so hateable) and each book offers something truly unique. I've noticed that as the series continues, the scope of each mystery changes... the early ones take place over a longer period of time while the newer ones take place over, what, 2-3 days? She's honed her already impeccable craft... the quality of the storytelling is absolutely maddening and I wish I could shake Tana French's hand for achievement in writing. I'm obsessed.

Antoinette Conway, poor thing, it's your turn. Step right up to the chopping block. That chip on your shoulder was never going to take you someplace good, and anyway, you're just ripe for French's picking with the crunchy attitude and the intelligence and the strong bitchy bones. In this fantastic follow up to The Secret Place, Conway and her partner Moran are assigned what appears to be a cut-and-dry domestic; a young woman has been killed and all signs point to her over-infatuated date. But something's not right, and their investigation leads them through twists and turns toward a destination nobody - including me, a seasoned mystery reader - expected.

I really, really loved this one. I loved In the Woods because it felt so fresh and fully detailed. I loved The Likeness (despite a super questionable premise) because of its characters and references and dark academia vibes. I loved Faithful Place because it felt the most Irish to me, and I adore Frank Mackey, and the whole thing was surprisingly romantic. I loved Broken Harbor because of its themes and clarity and conciseness and because it ended with such a painful gut punch. I thought The Secret Place was okay - frankly, I never want to return to the world of teenage girl, so that one's on me. And here we land at The Trespasser, which I really, really loved because the solution was so shocking and weirdly delightful.

I wish I could explain, without sounding creepy, how real these characters feel to me. There's something about the way French writes both internal monologue and conversational dialogue that just hits so close to real life... her colloquialisms and detective speak and... her grasp of emotions like ambition and fury and resentment and... her characters, I guess, are among the most admirable fuck-ups I've encountered in literature. I should also mention she swatted me right out of a reading slump, so extra points for that.

I realize this "review" has been more about myself and my reaction and my feelings about the Dublin Murder Squad series as a whole, but there are plenty of other reviews of this book that say enough about why we love Antoinette Conway and Stephen Moran (WE LOVE THEM!). I don't want to dive too deeply into the plot because it's so enjoyable going in blind, and also, if you're here right now, curious about this book, you may already be a French superfan like me and don't need a loud recommendation. Just in case, though: READ THIS! READ THEM ALL! Bask in the glory of these books and let them haunt you forever.

The Trespasser on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads

Review: American Pyscho

5 stars. I don't know what possessed me to read this book on the eve of a stressful trip, to New York of all places, but let me just say: you haven't lived until you've read these pages on the train up and then reflected on them as you rode through the streets of the city on the way to your hotel. This is a very, very diverting, compelling, New York book that gets a lot of things (vibes, critiques, elements of satire) about the city correct, in my opinion. I think maybe that's one thing that makes reading this so uncomfortable, and confuses squeamish readers: Bret Easton Ellis gets a lot right. Of course he juxtaposes this with absolute sickening violence - stuff that couldn't possibly happen IRL, right? - so we deny that we recognize something in it. Something about identity; something about America; something true.

I keep thinking about how Patrick Bateman's only goal, really (like any other psychopath), is self-preservation and avoidance of consequences. He clearly feels some things... hate, anxiety, fear, nerves, arrogance, desire, appreciation, disgust, etc., but a lot of these feelings revolve around the risk of getting caught or "discovered," maybe. Identified. And as he puts it in one case, he tries to fit in. So Patrick Bateman reflects society - society's values, wants, needs, priorities, habits, superficialities. Very, very interesting. (Can we talk about how he idolizes Donald Trump to the point of it becoming a motif throughout the entire book? Very, very interesting.)

Another surprising thing: this book is fucking hilarious. It's dark humor at its absolute darkest, but I laughed out loud frequently all the way through (the description of Bono, though). Sometimes it's a perfectly dry piece of narration:

"On the way to Wall Street this morning, due to the gridlock I had to get out of the company car and was walking down Fifth Avenue to find a subway station when I passed what I thought was a Halloween parade, which was disorienting since I was fairly sure this was May."

Other times it's a little more blatant:

“But you always bring them up,” McDermott complains. “And always in this casual, educational sort of way. I mean, I don’t want to know anything about Son of Sam or the fucking Hillside Strangler or Ted Bundy or Featherhead, for god sake.”

“Featherhead?” Van Patten asks. “Who’s Featherhead? He sounds exceptionally dangerous.”

“He means Leatherface,” I say, teeth tightly clenched. “Leatherface. He was part of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.”

“Oh.” Van Patten smiles politely. “Of course.”

“And he was exceptionally dangerous,” I say.

And sometimes I found myself laughing despite the giant gutpunch:

"After the office I worked out at Xclusive and once home made obscene phone calls to young Dalton girls, the numbers I chose coming from the register I stole a copy of from the administration office when I broke in last Thursday night. “I’m a corporate raider,” I whispered lasciviously into the cordless phone. “I orchestrate hostile takeovers. What do you think of that?” and I would pause before making sucking noises, freakish piglike grunts, and then ask, “Huh, bitch?” Most of the time I could tell they were frightened and this pleased me greatly, enabled me to maintain a strong, pulsing erection for the duration of the phone calls, until one of the girls, Hilary Wallace, asked, unfazed, “Dad, is that you?” and whatever enthusiasm I’d built up plummeted."

I'd love someone to challenge me on this book. I've tried to do some research, since I missed the controversy when it was published, but I'm still trying to wrap my head around why it's so polarizing (in a world where so much violent content - in all shapes, sizes, formats and levels of extreme - openly exists and is rapidly consumed to the point of popularity... why this one?). For now, having read it with a close eye, it doesn't strike me as especially severe or shocking. Though the violence is absolutely insane and difficult to read at times, it feels intentional and deliberate and purposeful as it contributes to the central theme of the book - not cheap violence for violence's sake. But I'm open to a good argument; convince me! Tell me why I should hate it, or why I should hate myself for finding it a compelling, clever, worthy piece of literature. If BEE is a raging misogynist, as he has been accused (and as proven by his recent-ish cancelation), that's fine, but that's also just a ... different issue.

Anyway.

On his Wikipedia page BEE is quoted as saying "American Psycho doesn't really work as a movie." I think he might be right, at least when it comes to a direct adaptation. I was pretty delighted to find that while the movie version pulls from the source material and is completely aligned in concept/premise, it's also sort of its own thing. Very, very good, but very different in that format. Some of the key features of the book - the transcriptions of designer outfits, the ridiculous food, the references to Les Mis, the written peek into Bateman's internal self/consciousness, the fact that characters keep misremembering and misidentifying people they think they recognize, even some key events - are missing from the movie, which benefits it but also makes the book stand out even more. *Giant Shrug* I really like them both. Sorry Twitter, but that is allowed.

Final thought: American Pyscho is an incredible, classic, bleak piece of work that left me horrified and inspired at the same time. Read it or don't, I don't care. I need to go return some videotapes.

American Pyscho on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads