Review: My Dark Vanessa

Quick note: hello there. I’ve been gone for awhile. Nobody has noticed, of course, because nobody reads this blog or my reviews on Goodreads, so this is sort of a note to future Kelly. Hi, future self, you took a little unplanned hiatus from reading and reviewing because life had other plans and stress melted your brain until it oozed out of your ears. BUT GUESS WHAT?! You got through it. With flying colors, like the badass bitch you are. Welcome back.

5 stars. I'm not going to fully summarize because this book is so well-known and the plot itself attracted so much controversy - but basically this story, told via alternating flashbacks, is about an inappropriate and abusive sexual relationship between a young girl and her teacher. It follows Vanessa through the "affair," its immediate aftermath, and its deep and unrelenting impact on her life long after. 

I knew enough about this book going in to be aware that it's more than one thing: it's a fictional narrative story, but also a study - an exploration, if you will - by Kate Elizabeth Russell on culture, consent, desire, power, justice, trauma, youth, and much more (basically: a recipe concocted out of everything I’m obsessed with). You can tell that KER ruminated on some of these things for a long, long time, and occasionally it does feel patched together from what may have been academic ramblings (I say that fondly and mean it as a compliment). 

It's so weird to rate a book like this because "good" doesn't always mean "enjoyable." It feels weighted and draggy at times, occasionally amateur, unsophisticated and strange, and also Extremely Not Fun To Read. Very squirmy. But my rating is meant to reflect its bravery, its approach to messy characters and messy situations, the way it embraces - tightly - and portrays - accurately, I think - a super fucked up scenario with super fucked up characters. It also, quite frankly, interested me. This topic interests me.

I've seen many critiques of the length, and agree, though I wonder if maybe KER made it a little long intentionally, proving to us that Vanessa is, or would be, traumatized during the normal, mundane moments as much as the chaotic, dramatic ones. Strane tainted her, ruined her, and she feels that even when we want to look away, or when we're bored; when we aren't entertained.

Ultimately, I'm glad My Dark Vanessa was written. I'm glad it tackles and attempts to unpack what is essentially an unpackable subject. I'm glad I'm living in an age where there is a ton of discourse on this sort of thing - studies, poetry, literature - that will hopefully inform and impact the next generation of women (and men) for the better. Effectively, though, there's barely a conclusion here. Can there be? I don't know. 

To me, one of the biggest takeaways is that the human brain, at every age, in every iteration, is a complicated organ that we simply do not understand. We are confused creatures. We are confused, multifaceted, individual creatures, who have the potential to react to a hundred different scenarios in a thousand different ways, ESPECIALLY - ALMOST ALWAYS - WHEN IT COMES TO SEX.  

This is what prevents certain concepts - like consent and desire and power dynamics - from forming clearly when we're directly involved. It's all still vague, at every age, it's all still a moving and uncomfortable and tricky dilemma, it's all still grey. Of course we throw around words like morality and ethics and right and wrong and advanced civilization, but as I get older and more reflective (on myself as well as society and those around me), I've started to realize that the things we don't know far outweigh the things we do. 

I'm not excusing Strane or blaming Vanessa or any of that. Unquestionably, Strane, plus her school, plus her parents, plus society, even those who truly cared for her, failed Vanessa in multiple tragic ways. I guess I'm just trying to say that any sort of brightness, certainty or moral precision is absent here, as it often is in real life. Some questions that MDV asks, many of them deeply painful, can never be answered. That may be the point.

This should be required reading for everyone. That's all. 

Related reading: Tampa by Alissa Nutting, Lolita, of course. I'd also recommend The Real Lolita by Sarah Weinman, and maybe Call Me By Your Name by Andre Aciman as a more positive exploration of consuming desire (I’D LOVE TO SEE THESE TWO COMPARED/CONTRASTED). Related viewing: Unbelievable, a Netflix miniseries based on a true story that really points at how young people can be so easily manipulated by "trustworthy" adults around them. I’d also recommend following Kate Elizabeth Russell on Instagram, where she continues to post interesting content related to the themes in her book.

My Dark Vanessa on: Amazon | Bookshop.org | Goodreads